You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
