Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
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This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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