Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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