I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
