You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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