I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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