The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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