It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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