I smell stomach acid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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