Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
