my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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