Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
