Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
