found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
