So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
