Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
