Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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