just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
