I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
