Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
