I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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