Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
