i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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