I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
