We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
