Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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