Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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