we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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