i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
