The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
