I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
