im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
