just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
