I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
