I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
