im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
