So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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