our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
