I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
