Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
