After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
birth control should be required to get into college
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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