omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
