he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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