Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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