had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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