Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
