So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
