Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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