i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
