You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is my gift to your gina
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
