I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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