My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
