I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Let's paint friendship bongs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
