just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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