she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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