i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
