so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, beer. Big fan.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
