I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
