This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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