If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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